Category Archives: Ha Ha

Miscellaneous humor

London Journal – Day 8 – After The Rock

First we have the whole Northern Rock scandal, and now this…

I just received this message from my sister, and I have to alert the local population:

A Message from John Cleese (British comedian)
To: The citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ‘like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

Holden Monaro’s are also approved.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British
Commonwealth- see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don’t try Rugby – the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen..

John Cleese

In case you haven’t followed it, Northern Rock is a BIG mortgage issuer who went belly up in the whole sub-prime mess.  It is a UK bank, and the government stepped in to guarantee their deposits late last year.  Well, that was their first mistake.  Now the bank has been nationalised (look it up) and that was their next mistake.  Sir Richard (Branson) is very upset, as he wanted to buy the bank on the bak of the tax payers for a pittance and rebrand it as Virgin Bank (aren’t we all sick of virgin this and virgin that yet?).

Imagine how upset the voters will be to find out that PM Brown has repossessed the colonies!

The Saddest Things


Nellie McKay to audience, during interactive portion of concert: Now try to cry if you can… Think of the saddest thing you can… Like Anne Coulter holding a puppy… or Dick Cheney’s smile.

( Audience member groans loudly)

Nellie: What, you like Dick Cheney? (under her breath) Ugh, Midwest…Dick Cheney’s smile

*Note: I would have included a photo of Anne Coulter holding a puppy, but such an image apparently doesn’t exist.

Live Free And Die, Or Free Love For The Dead


Got a note from my buddy John S., today. He seems a little shocked over a recent local headline:

I think we could more or less steal Vermont’s motto – did you hear that the three geniuses who became infatuated with the picture of a woman in her obituary notice and decided they would dig her(it) up and have sex with her(it) -got arrested and got off on appeal. Hard not to appreciate a good attorney – seems Wisconsin doesn’t actually have any laws forbidding necrophilia? We need to be very happy that the writers strike is on – Leno and co would have had a field day with this one.

Debate Highlights – Santa Claus and UFOs

Santa Claus UFO

Strange admissions were made during last night’s Democratic Presidential debate at Drexel University in Philadelphia. First came this

MR. EDWARDS: You know, I — I believe in Santa Claus. I believe in the tooth fairy

And then, later in the debate, came this:

MR. RUSSERT: Congressman Kucinich, I want to move to a different area, because this is a serious question.
The godmother of your daughter, Shirley MacLaine, writes in her new book that you’ve cited (sic) a UFO over her home in Washington state — (laughter) — that you found the encounter extremely moving, that it was a triangular craft silent and hovering, that you felt a connection to your heart and heard direction in your mind.
Now, did you see a UFO? (Laughter.)
Democratic Debate Transcript – Election 2008 – Politics – New York Times

Ghostly Endorsements


Speaking of words from beyond the grave, Jake Tapper of Mickey Mouse dot com reported yesterday in his blog, Political Punch, that Gerald Ford has endorsed Rudy:

It’s rare that presidents speak from beyond the grave, much less to make a political endorsement. For that reason, perhaps it’s understandable that former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani hasn’t had a response to the surprise announcement made in today’s New York Daily News by the late President Gerald Ford.”I think Giuliani is an electrifying guy,” Ford told Daily News Washington bureau chief Tom DeFrank in May 2006. “He’s a great speaker. He’s had a good record of winning in New York City, and he can be tough.”
…Ford was the last Republican president to have supported abortion rights. Giuliani aspires to be the next.
Political Punch

Viva Al-Canada!

The Canadian magazine MaClean’s has raised a stir with their latest cover, which features George W. Bush as Saddam Hussein (above). Here’s an excerpt from the article:

It was embarrassing putting my flak jacket on backwards and sideways, but in the darkness of the Baghdad airport car park I couldn’t see anything. “Peterik, put the flak jacket on,” the South African security contractor was saying politely, impatiently. “You know the procedure if we are attacked.”
I didn’t. He explained. One of the chase vehicles would pull up beside us and someone would drag me out of the armoured car, away from the firing. If both drivers were unconscious—nice euphemism—he said I should try to run to the nearest army checkpoint. If the checkpoint was American, things might work out if they didn’t shoot first. If it was Iraqi . . . he didn’t elaborate.
How George Bush became the new Saddam | – Canada – Features

Stripping Bourgeoisie


The New York Times today treats us to tales of debauchery from four star restaurants, including this doozie from Daniel, in which a woman rose “making like a dancer at a pole at Scores”:

She stood facing the rest of the dining room. First she took off a vest or a jacket, as best Mr. Le Dû remembers. Then she went to work on her blouse.
Just as she was getting to her bra, the maître d’hôtel got to her. Thus her drunken, wobbly stint as a stripper ended, and so did her dinner. She and her date, a smiling, sloshed man who had seemingly egged her on, were escorted to the door.
“She was not necessarily attractive or young, so it was disruptive,” complained Mr. Le Dû, who left Daniel several years ago and now owns a wine shop in Greenwich Village. “If she were beautiful, it might have been different. People might have been cheering her on.”
Fine Diner to Riffraff: Tipsy Tales of 4-Star Benders – New York Times

But of course, had she been attractive it would have been different…

Sears Tower Elevator Chicken

Judith Martin James Carville

A new feature here in Fortune Land, Sears Tower Elevator Chicken is a mental exercise wherein you try to imagine two (or more) people sharing an elevator ride down the Sears Tower, and guess who would bail out first. Today’s contestants: Judith Martin (aka Miss Manners) and James Carville (aka The Ragin’ Cajun)

A brief profile in the latest (July 30, 2007) New Yorker magazine brings us up to date on Ms Martin’s fascination with Venice. This little aside is precious:

As for modern-day Venice, yes, it’s sinking, expensive, and mobbed with rude tourists who are despised by the ever-shrinking local population. (Tiresome observations all, in Miss Manners’s view.) Recently, the local legislature proposed a scheme to charge visitors more than residents for the use of public toilets. “One would think,” Miss Manners writes, “that a city with liquid streets would not want to tempt people it had already branded as being uncultured and crude.”
Decorum Dept.: When in Venice: The Talk of the Town: The New Yorker

But more pertinent to today’s game is this critique:

“I brought back the word ‘etiquette,’ ” she said, explaining her resentment of the idea that “civil comportment is some sort of quaint form of behavior that we’ve grown beyond. Certainly not!” People don’t realize, Miss Manners said, that to the Greeks morals and manners were topics as worthy of inquiry as the principles of democratic society. “ ‘Just be yourself.’ Now, what does that mean?” Carving her carpaccio with X-Acto precision, she lamented the popular sentiment that knowing which fork to use is a trifling matter lorded about only by mean-hearted snobs. “If you were going to go live in Japan, would you learn how to use chopsticks?”

How would Mr. Carville respond to that, one wonders? Well, let’s look at how he responded to a bit of well reasoned criticism from his own wife, Mary Matalin:

“It stretches any credulity to believe that the White House could not stop this rabid dog. He’s not my husband when I speak of him as a frothing, rabid dog. He’s clearly a front for the president … If anyone is close to obstruction of justice, it’s the president of these United States whose pit bull is out front.”
— Radio talk show host and former Republican strategist Mary Matalin on “Fox News Sunday,” describing her spouse, Democratic consultant James Carville, who has attacked the integrity of Whitewater independent counsel Kenneth Starr (The Washington Post, December 9, 1996).
James Carville’s reaction to hearing of Mary Matalin’s comment: “I went home and bit her” (The Washington Post, December 11, 1996).
James Carville – George Loper – Rogue’s Gallery

Hmm. This one is close.
Pawn thinks it has to go to Carville, by a nose. He isn’t used to backing down, and we think he would most surely chase Miss Manners screaming from the car.