Fortune’s Pawn

• Retiring soldier eats 36-year-old cake-in-a-can
• Soldier to receive Medal of Honor posthumously

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There are wiser folk than Pawn commenting on the current Calamity on Wall Street, and here are some of the gems:

“After 7 1/2 years of drift, President Bush has finally returned to his compassionate conservative roots with a heartfelt plea to Congress to help a needy and deserving group: those Wall Street CEOs who, for all their hard work, have been unable to lift themselves up by their wingtips,”

Dana Milbank writes in his Washington Post column.

And this from Rick Klein over at The Note at Mickey Mouse dot com:

And maybe we should feel bad for the bailout bill.

After all, it was born morbidly obese in a town that likes to pretend it’s all about being lean. Its parents never really wanted one like it — and we know they’ll be out of the picture in a few months anyway.

The men who would be president sure aren’t eager to adopt it.

And conservative commentator George WIll, over at Real Clear Politics had this to say:

“The queen had only one way of settling all difficulties, great or small. ‘Off with his head!’ she said without even looking around.”

— “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland”

Under the pressure of the financial crisis, one presidential candidate is behaving like a flustered rookie playing in a league too high. It is not Barack Obama. Channeling his inner Queen of Hearts, John McCain furiously, and apparently without even looking around at facts, said Chris Cox, chairman of the Securities and Exchange Commission, should be decapitated.

Perhaps the most succinct commentary comes from Rep. Brad Sherman, D-Calif.:

“Cash for trash.”

Nothing makes for tasty bon mots like a certifiable calamity.  Keep it coming…

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This article caught my eye in today’s Independent Online:

When Banksy offered one of his highly sought-after canvases to Labour to auction for Ken Livingstone’s ill-fated re-election campaign, the party’s high command was jubilant.

They were left with a conundrum, however, when they realised that the secret identity of the famously elusive graffiti artist would cost their hard-pressed coffers tens of thousands of pounds.

The winning bid for Sketch for Essex Road, a canvas of two children with hands on hearts pledging allegiance to a Tesco carrier bag on a flagpole, was £195,000. But that meant Banksy’s painting would have to be declared as a gift to the party, requiring it to release his true identity on the internet along with hundreds of other donors – blowing apart his well-guarded anonymity.
He’s anonymous, so Banksy’s gift is impermissible – News, Art & Architecture – The Independent

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“If he had been any prettier we would have to call it Florence of Arabia”

Noël Coward referring to Peter O’Toole — As recalled by Peter O’Toole on Charlie Rose, 24 March 2008

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It’s no good there being queues for toilet!

-lad in queue for toilet, Victoria Station

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First we have the whole Northern Rock scandal, and now this…

I just received this message from my sister, and I have to alert the local population:

A Message from John Cleese (British comedian)
To: The citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ‘like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

Holden Monaro’s are also approved.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British
Commonwealth- see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don’t try Rugby – the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen..

John Cleese

In case you haven’t followed it, Northern Rock is a BIG mortgage issuer who went belly up in the whole sub-prime mess.  It is a UK bank, and the government stepped in to guarantee their deposits late last year.  Well, that was their first mistake.  Now the bank has been nationalised (look it up) and that was their next mistake.  Sir Richard (Branson) is very upset, as he wanted to buy the bank on the bak of the tax payers for a pittance and rebrand it as Virgin Bank (aren’t we all sick of virgin this and virgin that yet?).

Imagine how upset the voters will be to find out that PM Brown has repossessed the colonies!

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Nellie McKay to audience, during interactive portion of concert: Now try to cry if you can… Think of the saddest thing you can… Like Anne Coulter holding a puppy… or Dick Cheney’s smile.

( Audience member groans loudly)

Nellie: What, you like Dick Cheney? (under her breath) Ugh, Midwest…

*Note: I would have included a photo of Anne Coulter holding a puppy, but such an image apparently doesn’t exist.

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Got a note from my buddy John S., today. He seems a little shocked over a recent local headline:

I think we could more or less steal Vermont’s motto – did you hear that the three geniuses who became infatuated with the picture of a woman in her obituary notice and decided they would dig her(it) up and have sex with her(it) -got arrested and got off on appeal. Hard not to appreciate a good attorney – seems Wisconsin doesn’t actually have any laws forbidding necrophilia? We need to be very happy that the writers strike is on – Leno and co would have had a field day with this one.

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Strange admissions were made during last night’s Democratic Presidential debate at Drexel University in Philadelphia. First came this

MR. EDWARDS: You know, I — I believe in Santa Claus. I believe in the tooth fairy

And then, later in the debate, came this:

MR. RUSSERT: Congressman Kucinich, I want to move to a different area, because this is a serious question.
The godmother of your daughter, Shirley MacLaine, writes in her new book that you’ve cited (sic) a UFO over her home in Washington state — (laughter) — that you found the encounter extremely moving, that it was a triangular craft silent and hovering, that you felt a connection to your heart and heard direction in your mind.
Now, did you see a UFO? (Laughter.)
REP. KUCINICH: I did.
Democratic Debate Transcript – Election 2008 – Politics – New York Times

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